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Today is an important date in Mexican culture. It is known as Día de los Muertos (Day of the Dead). The Day of the Dead is used ritualistically to contemplate and acknowledge one’s mortality. On this day people make toasts to their dead relatives and acknowledge that they, like their relatives, will one day face their own mortality. This ritual is not intended to be macabre. It has nothing to do with Satanic rituals. Rather, it is used as a reminder that life is finite and therefore one must fully embrace life by focusing on what some consider to be most important--relationships with friends, family, and loved ones should be prioritized. 

Siddhartha Mukherjee, an oncologist and associate professor of medicine, describes the focus of those who are directly facing their mortality and imminently about to die. He said that most people at this end phase of life direct their gaze away from status, fame, fortune and luxury items; and toward their personal relationships. Muhkerjee indicated that those who are on their deathbeds attempt to make four bids to those around them:

•     I want to tell you that I love you. 

•     I want to tell you that I forgive you. 

•     Would you tell me that you love me? 

•     Would you give me your forgiveness?

People who are dying frequently express a variation of one of those four themes. Sometimes they feel regret: they feel as if they waited until it was too late to express their appreciation for others, to remedy the hurt they caused, or to risk being vulnerable and amplifying their connection out of fear of being hurt.  

Why wait until you are on death's door to foster a greater connection with others? Instead, you should increase your appreciation of those around you. Apologize to loved ones, friends, and family you have hurt. Risk being vulnerable. Don’t let your pride get in your own way where you hold a grudge and perpetuate a cut off from others. Move toward your loved ones, not away from them.  Do this before it is too late. Don't live with regrets.

Reach out today if you want to improve your relationships with those who are closest to you.  Counseling can help you with relationship issues with your partner, your friends, your family, and your co-workers. 

Written by Stefan C. Dombrowski, Ph.D.

www.potentialitytherapy.com

Relationship problems can be rooted in your attempt to control your partner's behavior.  Experts agree that attempting to mold your partner into the ideal you have for them rarely works in the long run. Resentment will build. Anxiety and depression will ensue, and sometimes even violence will be perpetrated. This does not mean that two people should not compromise and work toward each other. I've always said that relationships require both effort and effortless ease. However, when there is too much control exerted by one partner over the other it can cause problems and interfere with a genuine, healthy relationship.  

Eminent psychotherapist Fritz Perls acknowledged this ethos in what is known as the Gestalt Prayer:

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
and you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.

Of course, one has to be cautious about summarily dismissing your partner's perspective and doing your own thing. That is not the point of the Gestalt Prayer.  Even if you find your so-called soulmate your relationship will take work, compromise, and the capacity to understand your partner's perspective.  The point is to let go and trust that by working on fulfilling your own needs, and setting your own boundaries for your partner's expectations of you, you will bring about a healthier, more genuine relationship with your partner. If your partner cannot accept that change or becomes anxious about it then it might be time to consider psychotherapy to best learn how to navigate the path ahead.

Post by Stefan C. Dombrowski, Ph.D.

www.potentialitytherapy.com

I believe that money is important to provide for basic essentials and some reassurance that we will have resources to live as comfortable a life as possible. However, how much money is enough? On your deathbed, you will not wish for more money. You will want more time. Every second that passes depletes this reserve. You are not getting it back. Most importantly, you do not know how much more you have left. With each passing second, since you were born, you are one second closer to death. Is that second home, better watch, more prestigious car, or remaining in a well-paying job that you dislike worth the sacrifice of your most precious asset? Overcome your fear of not having enough money for retirement. Overcome your need for that latest shiny object.  Get off the hedonic treadmill where you experience a temporary surge in happiness with the acquisition of a new material object only to return to baseline some days, weeks, or months later.  Reach out today to examine your values and protect your most valuable asset--time! Psychotherapy can help you connect with the feelings and thoughts that keep you from living a more balanced, free, and fulfilled life.  

Post by Stefan C. Dombrowski, Ph.D.

www.potentialitytherapy.com

Without realizing it we often make assumptions about other people or circumstances that are distorted or simply inaccurate.  We then generalize from a specific situation to other people or events in life more globally.  What do I mean by this? Let me provide an example.  Let’s assume you have a friend that you haven’t talked to in some time. You give your friend a call, but they do not answer.  You leave a message telling them you just wanted to check in and catch up.  

Several days go by and your friend still has not returned your call or even texted you.  You feel rejected and a bit insulted because you are the type to quickly return calls/texts. You begin to wonder whether it is even worth it to have a friend like this in your life.  After all, good friends are supposed to promptly return calls or texts, right? Your mind runs amok for several more days.  You globalize your thinking and conclude that all people are selfish and one-sided.  At times, you even put the blame on yourself and think that you may have said or done something wrong. Deep down you may even wonder whether you are unlovable. You go into a funk, and stay home and watch television rather than go out to social engagements.  You actually convince yourself that your friend is selfish and not a good friend. You don’t consider other possibilities for their lack of return correspondence.    

One week passes and your friend calls you back, explaining that she was away for a few days and then caught a nasty cold. She mentioned that she had intended to call you back but was simply overwhelmed.  She apologized profusely.  This makes you feel better. Unfortunately you spent a good portion of the past week ruminating over why your friend hadn’t called you back and why you don’t have caring friends in your life or at least friends who are as thoughtful/caring as you are.  This may have even made you feel down and depressed.  It is this type of high expectations of others and subsequent distorted thinking that can trigger low level depression including a cycle of isolation that worsens depressive feelings. We often don’t realize it but high expectations of others combined with mischaracterization of their intentions and subsequent social isolation can contribute to feelings of depression.  

Fortunately, counseling and psychotherapy can provide you with the tools that can help. If you find that you are suffering from low level depression where you feel rejected, insulted, unworthy, unlovable, or where you feel you no longer have the quality of friends in your life that you would prefer then please reach out to us today. We are here to help.

Post by Stefan C. Dombrowski, Ph.D.

www.potentialitytherapy.com

Burnout is a tremendous problem in American society. The capitalist ethos of exchanging your time and life energy for the almighty dollar has been ingrained into our collective psyche for more than a century. During the roaring 1920s President Calvin Coolidge once stated, "the business of America is business."  We work hard in exchange for a paycheck.  We convince ourselves we need a luxury car, a beach home, and an expensive vacation.  We compare ourselves to others and feel it is a badge of honor if we can be first into the office and the last to leave.  Working hard and paying ones dues in a job is an important part of life. Money is certainly important. Enjoying the finer things in life is important, and that often requires money.  However, how much is enough? How much of your life energy are you willing to trade for a job that would drop you the minute your productivity declines? How much of your precious personal and family time are your willing to sacrifice?

Unfortunately, there is a dark side to overworking.  Its side effects can take a toll on our mental and physical health and can make us feel less compassionate for others, fatigued, anxious, irritable, apathetic, and difficult to be around. It can also severely impact our ability to sleep taking us down the rabbit hole of using sleep aids, alcohol or other substances to help us get to sleep.  

If you feel physically and emotionally exhausted from a lack of work-life balance then please reach out.  There is hope for a more fulfilled life that will bring you greater happiness. 

Post by Stefan C. Dombrowski, Ph.D.

www.potentialitytherapy.com

If you are a thoughtful, analytical, person then you are likely a good problem solver in your work life.  However, "analysis-paralysis" is a saying in the business world that resonates well in the mental health community.  Analysis-paralysis has its roots in rumination.  Rumination is the process of thinking, over and over, about something, past or present, that takes you out of the moment and often spirals downward toward anxiety and lack of action. When we ruminate we think we are problem-solving and taking action but we are not.  We are simply treading water, sometimes with our head barely above the surface.  

Most importantly, rumination steals our happiness and hope.  It keeps us in a cycle of anxiety that seizes our enjoyment of life's precious moments with family, kids, friends, and loved ones.  It can even get so bad that it pushes other people away.  I often say to my clients that "rumination is the peace killer."  Being thoughtful and thinking through possibilities is helpful.  Ruminating, obsessing, and over thinking is not.  The good news is there is hope.  We can help you explore the triggers to your rumination and help you break this habit, one step at a time!  

Post by Stefan C. Dombrowski, Ph.D.

www.potentialitytherapy.com