Blog #Relationship issues

Today is an important date in Mexican culture. It is known as Día de los Muertos (Day of the Dead). The Day of the Dead is used ritualistically to contemplate and acknowledge one’s mortality. On this day people make toasts to their dead relatives and acknowledge that they, like their relatives, will one day face their own mortality. This ritual is not intended to be macabre. It has nothing to do with Satanic rituals. Rather, it is used as a reminder that life is finite and therefore one must fully embrace life by focusing on what some consider to be most important--relationships with friends, family, and loved ones. 

Siddhartha Mukherjee, an oncologist and associate professor of medicine, describes the focus of those who are directly facing their mortality and imminently about to die. He said that most people at this end phase of life direct their gaze away from status, fame, fortune and luxury items; and toward their personal relationships. Muhkerjee indicated that those who are on their deathbeds attempt to make four bids to those around them:

•     I want to tell you that I love you. 

•     I want to tell you that I forgive you. 

•     Would you tell me that you love me? 

•     Would you give me your forgiveness?

People who are dying frequently express a variation of one of those four themes. Sometimes they feel regret: they feel as if they waited until it was too late to express their appreciation for others, to remedy the hurt they caused, or to risk being vulnerable and amplifying their connection out of fear of being hurt.  

Why wait until you are on death's door to foster a greater connection with others? Instead, you should increase your appreciation of those around you. Apologize to loved ones, friends, and family you have hurt. Risk being vulnerable. Don’t let your pride get in your own way where you hold a grudge and perpetuate a cut off from others. Move toward your loved ones, not away from them.  Do this before it is too late. Don't live with regrets.

Reach out today if you want to improve your relationships with those who are closest to you.  Counseling can help you with relationship issues with your partner, your friends, your family, and your co-workers. 

Written by Stefan C. Dombrowski, Ph.D.

www.potentialitytherapy.com

Relationship problems can be rooted in your attempt to control your partner's behavior.  Experts agree that attempting to mold your partner into the ideal you have for them rarely works in the long run. Resentment will build. Anxiety and depression will ensue, and sometimes even violence will be perpetrated. This does not mean that two people should not compromise and work toward each other. I've always said that relationships require both effort and effortless ease. However, when there is too much control exerted by one partner over the other it can cause problems and interfere with a genuine, healthy relationship.  

Eminent psychotherapist Fritz Perls acknowledged this ethos in what is known as the Gestalt Prayer:

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
and you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.

Of course, one has to be cautious about summarily dismissing your partner's perspective and doing your own thing. That is not the point of the Gestalt Prayer.  Even if you find your so-called soulmate your relationship will take work, compromise, and the capacity to understand your partner's perspective.  The point is to let go and trust that by working on fulfilling your own needs, and setting your own boundaries for your partner's expectations of you, you will bring about a healthier, more genuine relationship with your partner. If your partner cannot accept that change or becomes anxious about it then it might be time to consider psychotherapy to best learn how to navigate the path ahead.

Post by Stefan C. Dombrowski, Ph.D.

www.potentialitytherapy.com